My Strange mind

Years ago I went through one of the toughest times in my life mentally. I was hallucinating (visual, audio, and touch). I wasn't sleeping, and drinking when ever I could just to keep the peace in my head. Drinking was the only coping skill I knew. Being diagnosed Schizophrenic was so hard for me to hear (the diagnosis has been changed). At that time I wanted to be anything but. There is a lot of stigma around Schizophrenia and it was something I just didn't understand, and probably didn't want to understand. I just know I felt like the crazy person in the room and this confirmed it.

Strange Mind is a glimpse into the flips and tricks my mind played on me.

She would only visit when I was at my lowest, tired, sleepless, and stressed. At first, she would amble around me when I was between sleep and wakefulness. While lying on the bed, I could only see her in my peripheral vision. Then she would start peeking through the corners. Her sole goal was to torture me until I was either committed or cremated.

I am fully convinced that all my interactions with her had some long-lasting effects on me, but I can recall one interaction that stands out the most. During this interaction, she broke my number one rule: “DO NOT TOUCH ME”. This rule had helped me be present-minded and be aware of the difference between hallucination and reality. She was peeking through the corners, apparently playing peek-a-boo with an unwilling participant. Despite her unwanted presence, I continued to stare at my computer, trying hard to stay focused. However, one blink later she was close to my face. Her hooked nose barely touched my skin. I saw a smirk on her face.

I tried to stay focused but couldn't help the tear falling down my cheek. With her stiff arthritic finger, she lightly brushed my face. Her laugh was silent to everyone but me. I started screaming, “NO! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! THIS is the only thing I requested for”. In an apartment full of sleeping people, no one heard me. I thought to myself, was I even screaming out loud? But I found no answer. All I could do next was rub my hands over my eyes, wipe my tears, let out a soul-cleansing sigh, and sit back to finish editing. I hate my Strange Mind.

My Mental health-TRIGGER WARNING!

A lot of my decline had to do with childhood and adult traumas that I chose to put in a box and never deal with. Because I did that, I had a lot of sleepless nights in my late teens into my adult years. I would have horrible nightmares that would feel so real I was scared to sleep. I won't go into the details because they aren't important. There were times I didn't sleep for a couple of days and still went to school or work. I barely passed those classes, and even chose to homeschool because I just didn't want to be in school anymore. As I got older the dreams got worse along with the voices and hallucinations. My intrusive thoughts as a teen and an adult were always some sort of self harm and would tell me there was only one way to end it.

I used Alcohol to help cope with it all. It drowned out the noise and would also help me sleep. Of course that became a habit that "helped" with everything and nothing at all. I drank my 20's away, and then some of my 30's. I drank until my liver and stomach lining told me I was done for good.

You would be amazed at what your body will do to you until you resolve/work through your traumas. The games the mind will play because it can't hold onto the trauma anymore. For me that meant making me appear schizophrenic. Eventually the boxes I put in the back of my mind came bursting open, and I had no control over when and which box would pop open. Never knowing what horrible memory was coming next. Resolve for me meant THERAPY and facing my traumas, talking through them with my therapist, and letting them go. Learning how to handle my anxiety outbursts, and how to cope with the past was a huge game changer for me. It helped me move the negative energy out of my body. The best coping skills I've learned so far is turning my crazy brain into works of art.

There are 2 other parts to my :Strange Mind: series. It will be a little while before I add them, if I add them. It took me several months just to get the courage to do The Hag. The imagery was the hardest. Remembering that I am not reliving this moment but sharing it so others can have a better understanding what some people go through. The Hag hallucination lasted a few years for me. This particular incident just stayed with me. Not sure why though.